October

was the month
I took a short break, in of all places, China.

Specifically, Beijing and Harbin. More of that later.

I have also taken the time to sort out myself. Specifically, to sort out my relationship with various people.

Everyone out there is either (a) my-type-of-people and we get along famously from the first, or (b) not my-type-of-people, but having evolved into the "nice" person I want to be, I "find" reasons to accept these people.

Of the (b) category people, I now know in myself that it is a lost cause to make unacceptable people acceptable. So I leave them behind (figuratively and literally).

And that does not make me "un-nice".

September

was the month
that the pieces finally fell in place. I can see and think clearly again.

I had an epiphany about people who can only be described as a**holes. Of these, there are family and non-family. Whereas I used to shun the family but did my best to accommodate the non-family ones, I have made an about-face turn. I will suffer and put up with the a**holes in the family; all others will have to find their own emotional punching bag.

To certain somebodies who recently blindsided me with "We don't understand, but we do not(will not?) ask", I have this to say: "Real friends do not question; real friends ask". And I did ask. I got an evasive non-answer. I do not question, but the ball is back in said somebodies' court.

I am glad the harsh Summer season is coming to an end.

I welcome the richer and more sophisticated season that is Fall.

August

was the month

I would remember for two reasons.

The man turned 60. We gathered friends and family for his birthday dinner party. It was as much dinner as party, with a really class act put together with the dance friends. And I remember again what a beautiful gift a dance makes, for the giver and the recipient.

My parents are relentlessly toxic as parents, and as people. I grappled with my feelings about them, about my role as their daughter in May, June, July. Sometime this month, the decision was made for me by Mother. I am now out of the world of distrust, mistrust, disappointment, misunderstanding, delusion and mischief which the parents created and continue to live in. I remember again why I left them in the first place.

I have removed my earlier posts on Mother because I felt it was time I erased bad memories of bad parents. I find now that I was not wrong about them, so I will retrieve and re-post them. As well, I have no need to write in a closed blog. I stand by what I write.

I would pop that bottle of champagne if I could still drink. For I am, indeed, truly, back.

July

was the month
I spent too much time thinking, just thinking, of ways to escape the clutches of wretched souls who seek to subsume the life I have made for myself. I was distracted, ineffective, unproductive. Unfinished business was starting to pile up.

Not anymore. I am myself again. I am back. Because
I accepted the fact that wretched people will always be with me. And so, having realised that they are a constant in my life, I can move on. So long as I never underestimate the ability of such wretched people to subsume me with their wretchedness, I will be alright.

I have not started to write in my closed blog. It isn't a pressing matter anymore. You will hear from me when I get it up and running; I have not forgotten you :)

For now, I am happy to know this: I am back.

June

was the month
I celebrated my birthday. I have so many of you to thank for having come into my life and making it that much richer and fuller.

I grappled with my conflicted feelings about my parents knowing that I would have to be around them more often in the months ahead. And having to listen to Mother yammer a lot more in the process.

I made a few important life changing decisions. The one that is pertinent to you, my readers, pertains to my blog. I believe in keeping an open blog. I am happy to have met so many of you here. I hope to continue seeing you here.

I have also reached a point in my journal where I want to confine some of my posts to a more familiar and friendly readership. I will let you know when that blog is up and running. Write me (sinlady at gmail dot com) to get yourself on the invite list, please.

You see, I did a lot of thinking about my life and about living. And, with all due modesty, I look back and can honestly say I live my life the best I know how. I have few regrets. Except now, I need to do it better. And therefore, hopefully, have even fewer regrets.

It starts with keeping certain unwanted prying eyes out of some aspects of my life, even if only as a blogger.

May

was the month
I will remember as a turning point in my life.

For most of the month, I was in the US/Canada. I remember again the many attributes I love about the people: the optimism, the open heartedness, the willingness to believe you and believe in you. I benefited from this supportive environment; I become this person today because of it.

Within 24 hours of coming back, I got a phonecall from Mother with the first devastating news of Father. Now come the tests and workups. Now come so many people with so many opinions - most of whom I dislike and distrust, others are disappointing and distracting.

Through this, I am grateful for the support of the few, and for knowing myself.

April

was the month
I went back to Bakersfield at the right time.

All the friends were home. Even the ones who now live outside of Bakersfield came home for the week.

The days were a crisp 20C. Wisps of cloud softened the bright sunny skies with pillowy patterns.

I accomplished two important tasks this time in Bakersfield.

1. I met up with the two special women. The 15 or 16 years melted away as we asked after each other and about the significant people in each others' lives. I am just grateful to manage this start to reacquainting with friends I left behind.

2. I cleared and closed the storage unit! (more of this later).

Believe it or not, I actually hated to leave this town that I once couldn't wait to flee.

Either time does indeed heal all wounds, or time distorts history. It doesn't matter; I have my reasons for loving the place now.

March

was the month
of checking out many new and almost-new restaurants helmed by michelin-starred and celebrity chefs. I have to decline any more such invites; these places are overrated in every way, the most insulting being that the title of "chef" is meaningless.

Most were forgettable, others were downright regrettable (more on the bad stuff at another time).

Still, I miss my food posts and the (mediocre) pictures that go with them. For now, I want to share this photostream from flickr. I am really impressed with the guy's collages of foods and drinks, especially his collection of teh-tarik and acrobatics tea shots:)

I am glad the partying season finally came to a close. I want to/need to get on with my own wants and needs in my own way, in my own time for the remaining months...

February

was the month
visitors of every stripe blew into town - almost-friends, real dear friends, sort-of families.

The most interesting are the relatives from Shantou. Until now, they are only people I have heard about. I am glad to finally meet them for a family dinner, pose for the obligatory family group picture, and sort of sad to know that in all probability, I will not see them again. I just cannot think of circumstances that will lead us to look up each other after this.

There is unrest again between the brother and parents. It distresses me to hear from the sister how much hatred there is between them. I am resigned to the fact that, like all previous rows, the brother will still do nothing to make things right for himself and his family. It reaffirms in my mind that the only thing to do is leave these people to fight each other their entire lives.

It is time I start to look to travel :)

January

was the month
of seemingly endless catching up with all sorts of friends and family.

The very dear girl (women?) friends finally nailed a date and place for coffee. Only for us to find the place closed that week for renovations when we got there. Bah! We ended up at a hotel coffee house for our sad coffees, but the step down in coffee choice was more than compensated by the chance to meet for a few hours of exciting updates.

Another special woman friend remembered my wishful thinking of using gold bricks for door stoppers. She went and got one for me! She lugged it into town to put it into my grabby hands! She had knee surgery recently and was still doing rehab physio. Wow! I feel the love, friend :)

Various people told me of various people coming into town; various people suggested get-togethers for the visitors at various places and various times. I agreed we should get together, then made no plans. I have learned to not act on rumours. I figured someone else who heard the rumour closer to source would be moved to organise some sort of meet-up and let me know. And I shall graciously show up.

I met the parents for lunch and did the ang pow exchange thing.

I am so ready for the New Year now.

December

was the month
filled with festive cheer and celebration.

I coped well with the cooking and baking duties for the many dinner parties by refusing to over-extend myself. I was surprised, and then pleased and grateful, that I stayed pain-free through the busy month of cook-by-day and party-by-night.

I am happy to see the friends who took time from their block-leave for coffee. I am happy to have time with friends who came through here on their holiday tour of Asia. And I am happy that on the last day of the year, I was with friends and family to see another good year out, and wish for them that the new year will be good to them.

And somewhere in the back of my mind, I am aware that I have not seen or heard from Mother this whole month. And then, as quickly as the thought came to the fore for the moment, it got pushed right back to oblivion.

For this shall remain the month of festive cheer and celebration.

November

was the month
- I reached my limit of tolerance with inconsiderate and abusive people I've known for a very long time.

- I was still hoping there could be some saving grace. I waited for an apology of sorts from them. None came.

- And so, with some reluctance but no regrets, I closed my heart and mind to them.

- I have moved away. I moved on.

October

was the month
- I had so many things on my mind that I completely forgot I had tickets for Tango Fire.

- I want to blame the screwball woman who tells me her husband has been let go from his work, and they have to move back to their home country at their own expense. I don't understand how they could have packed up and come here for the husband to take up a job with no contract. She is very upset, I am very suspicious which makes me feel crummy and sorry I ever met her, and getting another friend involved.

- I think of how, elsewhere where I once lived, the weather would have turned decidedly chilly, marking the end of the sunny months.

- I don't feel Halloween here even though there were many Halloween parties over the weekend. I remember elsewhere, when Greta the 7-foot tall witch I made, stood outside my front door. I loved "treating" the little ghosts and goblins who braved walking past Greta to ring my door bell. I detested the big evil looking ghouls who came treat or tricking.

- I feel somewhat sad that another year will soon end.

September

was the month
I was in France again, exactly a full year later

- with the same traveling companions,
- but this time in Bordeaux-Biarritz
- and this time, the weather was all blue skies with brilliant sunshine and cool gentle breeze.

I could live here for a while, even if I don't speak their language and they won't speak mine.

August

was the month
- feelings that were laid to rest, but were never abandoned, awakened. Feelings that are tied to gender studies, feminist politics and activism. Feelings and beliefs that I always hold close to my heart.

- these feelings were awakened from reading the Larsson books. I re-examine the lot of womenfolk in a world that operates by secular and religious laws made by men and despair at the hopelessness of gender inequity.

- I am further haunted by the reality of how unprotected a life partner is at the worst hour of her life.

- I am acutely aware of the change of seasons even if I live them vicariously. As summer fades into fall, I want to enjoy the little time that is left before the dread winter season takes over with its attendant garish holiday season.

July

was the month
that whizzed by me while I was distracted by Brisbane, dinners, dance and bread making. It probably has to do with the various activities and occasions being so unconnected.

Whatever. It was a good month.

I had plenty of quality time with people who matter very much to me. Many of them will now be away for their extended annual holidays and I expect to regroup with them only in September.

I got back to wearing more colourful clothes and putting on a more made-up face. The dance mates have been telling me how beautiful I look and asking why I was wearing mostly black all this time. I don't know why, but it feels good to break out of the black phase and live in colours again. I wonder now how bad or drab I must have looked to everyone all this while.

I feel I am finally "back". And it's a good feeling.

May

was the month
- I caught myself having to work at not slipping into a funk.

The reasons seem trivial.

There was having to sit at the same dinner table with the old broad. She gave me her "I'm so cool I can say hi to you" smile. I glared at her, air kissed the other women, and sat where I was buffered from her by 2 people. Ten years of repressed animosity toward her was not going to turn into sparkling angel dust just because she turned her smile in my general direction. I want her acknowledgement of her wrong doing (no, it's not over the whisper of a rumour about my face); I want her unreserved apology; then I want to carry on having nothing to do with her.

There was Mother and the conversation I endured which left me so agitated that I had 2 sleepless nights after. I will leave this doozie of a story for another time.

There was the realization that I still have a long list of worthless friends. Seeing them brings no joy; it's just work. I want to retire from this form of work.

- I am glad the month is over. It's like I leave the funk behind when May ended.

I can start anew in June.

April

was the month
- I made my first ever trip to Japan.

I find its people fascinating, totally different from my expectations which I admit are built on Hollywood's take of the land and its people.

Where I expected the Japanese to be intense, either in a serious or cartoon-y way, I quickly realised how gracious and civic-minded they are. Everyone I approached for help would go out of his/her way to steer me back on course and see me off with the warmest smile.

Where I expected only the extremes of the weary formally attired salarymen vs the fun-loving colourful kawaii boys and girls, I found a spectrum of very tasteful styles.

I resisted going to Japan because I was so sure the country and its people are, simply, too foreign. I have been so ignorant and wrong.

It is a country where its people will show you that you - the foreign tourist - have a place in their ever gracious land.

March

was the month

Princeton Art Museum

- I did not hear from mother. I said to the sister she's either too busy rumour mongering to more sympathetic ears, or she has totally forgotten about me. The sister says its the former. I don't know how I feel about that, and decided it doesn't matter.

- A handful of old friends found me on FB. I am surprised I am not simply forgotten. One of them was my collaborator for the small community newsletter I wrote for, edited, and published. The other is currently doing my job. I am happy to know the newsletter is still alive. They are arranging for past copies to be sent to me. Words cannot express how touched I am about their graciousness.

- I am happy to see an old friend back in town for a short visit - and happier to learn she has written a second book. I admire her for turning adversity to advantage.

- The man is itching again to "go somewhere". It's only been 5 weeks since we got back and have only just settled into our routine! But I am not complaining. I have never been to Tokyo and Osaka.

January/February

were the months

Princeton, February 2010

- My time was split between two favourite places - Singapore and the US.

- New York was still in the grips of snow blizzard. It felt like a record setting amount of snow was being dumped on us.

- I visited my cousin and her family whom I had not seen in 10 years. I am proud and happy to see them comfortably settled in the new homeland after first arriving there 23 years ago as post graduate students.

- It goes without saying that the time spent with the old friends in Bakersfield who unreservedly rolled out the welcome mat will always be remembered with gratitude.

- The man has finally got his own reasons for making regular and frequent trips stateside. Strong enough pull factor to make him get around his dread of the long flight.

- It was good to come back for the second half of the Chinese New Year. It was especially fortuitous to be able to get together friends and family for dinner to close out the new year.

The year is starting out right in every way.