Waiting for a lost friend

We first met almost 30 years ago. We were at our first jobs. She was a vivacious vain pot with a quick wit and great sense of theatrics. She was a delightful and fun companion to have at all times.

We went our separate ways for many long years - got married, lived abroad, raised families, got caught up with the demands of work, home, motherhood.

We both got back to Singapore and got back together for coffees and dinners. But this is no longer the same woman I knew from those early years.

She still has the demands of home and motherhood. And she tackles them admirably if not somewhat irrationally and maniacally. But gone is the delightful and the fun person I knew.

Instead, she is ill-at-ease around unfamiliar company. She is constantly distracted by phone calls and sms'es from her sons. She is always involved with parent-teacher meetings, school plays, school sports - this list is endless.

I am shocked that she put off a knee surgery for a year and half now. The quadriceps on the injured leg has atrophied to half its original size. The good leg started giving problems from overcompensation, and most days, she uses an umbrella as a walking stick to get around. She has days when she is practically crippled by pain.

And yet, she persists with her manic lifestyle, all centered around the family of two near-grown boys and a long-suffering husband.

The latest insane act is to take the family to Bali for three weeks of annual summer vacation. I don't think the teenaged boys even wanted to do that - be stuck in Bali with the parents for a sizeable chunk of their school holidays.

The frightening reality is sinking in for me. After all the years of hand-rearing the sons, she is the one who is loathed to let go. In the process, she has lost herself.

I think it is a horrible mistake to make the children's lives her own. And I have no way of conveying this reality to her.

So, I will carry on meeting her for coffee chats, listen to her tell me of her life lived vicariously through her sons, and hopefully be there to help pick up the pieces of her life when the boys leave home in a couple more years.

Maybe then, the delightful and fun friend I once had will return.

Meanwhile, I will wait for return of the lost friend...