Sunday, January 16, 2011

He never knew me

It has been 10 years since I left the ex, left the US, left the life that holds some of my fondest memories of friends, occasions and places.

I have little communication with the ex. There is no point. He is a lovely man. It is just sad that I grew up, he and I grew apart, and eventually, I had to leave just so I could make sense of myself.


Every year, he sends me a Hallmark card of the "you are special to me" variety at Christmas time. Every year, I email him to thank him for the card. Every year, I dread this predictable short communication which always brings up hurt and pain which I suppress all year long.


This time, he asked a simple question in the card:
Do you ever feel lonely?

With deep sadness for him, I wrote back:
No, I don't ever feel lonely.

I did not elaborate because he could not possibly understand:
I have never been lonely, I cannot understand the state of being lonely, I actually enjoy being by myself.

I am sad all over again for the way things turned out in the end for him and me; sad that he will never understand I left because he never knew me, never heard anything I said, never cared for the things that are important to me.

He will forever believe my leaving was an act of selfishness. And I will let him belabour that mistaken notion.

Because he never knew me, he never heard me, he never cared to know what is important to me.

10 comments:

imp said...

luckily you didn't stick around for too long and decided to up and go. that's a very prudent move. he sounds like someone you 'might' settle for, and end up being unhappy with in the long run.

sinlady said...

imp - on the contrary, i stayed w-a-y too long, trying to ignore the chasm in the relationship which just kept growing.

wildgoose said...

Why suppress? Let it flow and let it go.
It is not for you to change what he believes. He has to come to realization himself.

tuti said...

just my thoughts.
i think most men are not worth the run. again, must emphasize they are my own thoughts.
i think a gal is really lucky if she gets a good guy. that said, some gals are bitches. i sound like a sour grape. heh.

sinlady said...

wildgoose - cannot lah. let it flow it will never stop. basically i stop thinking about what went wrong. and not to worry - i am not into changing anybody :)

tuti - i happen to agree with you that most guys are not worthy. and yes, there are a lot of bitch types out there too. hey, things balance out in the end :)

Jo said...

was it a painful decision when you decided that you had to leave? I don't know if I will ever possess your courage.

wildgoose said...

I think it will stop when it's all let out. Maybe it's just a lot to deal with. I guess it's a choice of dealing with it, or keeping it in forever.

sinlady said...

jomel - yes it was painful, but it was not about courage. it was necessary.

wildgoose - sigh. it's not about letting out to rid of it, or keeping it forever. it's more like deal with it only when it surfaces, which is so far, every year at Christmas time.

Anonymous said...

I just don't see the point of keeping in touch with ex-es. Unless there is a special reason like having to work together for the kids and so on. Good thing u r not in the same country even! ~ EDPJ

sinlady said...

edpj - yeah, i am glad he isn't even here. there is not just no reason, most times, i cannot even talk civilly with the ex.